Funny Quotes and Lines

"You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apples, I'll buy you a new car." -Harvey Diamond

"Save a cow. Eat a vegetarian." -Unknown

"I'm not a vegetarian becasue I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -A. Whitney Brown

"[When asked what he would eat if he was in a desert with no food in sight but a cow] I'd find out what the cow was eating and join it." -Benjamin Zephaniah

"HAM AND EGGS- A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." -Unknown

"Heart attacks... God's revenge for eating his little animal friends." -Unknown

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather becasue it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs." -Alexei Sayle

"I'm a Volvo vegetarian. I'll eat an animal only if it was accidentally killed by a speeding car." -Ron Smith

"I would not want to promote research on animals. Fortunately, only my back is twisted, not my mind." -Linn Pulis (polio victim)

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls the whole world would be vegetarians." -Paul McCartney

"Auschwitz begins wherever someone looks at a slaughterhouse and thinks: their only animals." -Theodor Adorno


1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking  places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open  and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin  meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.


And somehow one Patrick Stump has found his way to Gerard's secret supply of rainbow candy.
I can stop drinking any time I feel like, as long as it's next Tuesday.
It takes all of the Used and one very angry Frank Iero to get the bottle out of his hands.
Whenever Gerard's in one of his Moods, Bert tells him that if he kills himself he'll never speak to him ever again, and it's worked so far.
Frank sits in the smallest seat - the middle one in the back - because he is the world's smallest mammal.
"Guess what, sugar-coated fag?"
Me and the 'you' to my FCK.


MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE BIBLE
-Gerard Way puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
-Mikey Way can slam revolving doors.
-The chief export of The Frank Iero is pain.
-Mikey Way counted to infinity...twice.
-Frank Iero can divide by Zero.
-The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Gerard Way has been there, then its soaked with tears and blood.
-The Frank Iero once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
-Gerard Way sleeps with a night light. Not because Gerard Way is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Gerard Way.
-Mikey Way is the reason Waldo is hiding.
-A Tsunami is water running away from Bob Bryar.
-Bob Bryar doesn't get brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
-Bob Bryar does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
-Mikey Way can speak braille.
-Frank Iero jacks off to Monster Trucks.
-Jeeves asks Ray Toro.
-If The Bob Bryar is late, time better slow the fuck down.
-Geico saved 15% a year by switching to Gerard Way.
-Ray Toro went back in time and stopped the JFK assination by catching the bullet in mid air. JFK's head just exploded in sheer amazement.
-Gerard Way has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
-The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Frank Iero" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!"
-Jesus walked on water. Gerard Way walked on Jesus.
-When Frank Iero gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
-Gerard Way doesn't use pick-up lines, he simply says, "Now."
-Mikey Way is like a Tsunami, if you can see him coming it's already too late.
-Bob Bryar ate the Stay Puff Marshmellow man.
-Ray Toro didn't vote for Pedro. He deported him.
-When God said, "Let there be light", Gerard Way said, "say please."


EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click start?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests  it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apart ments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car  or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with  head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japane se food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly  Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chainwith your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)