LeeGaaFangirl

Just got a kik!! Add me guys!!!!
adry1412 !!!!!!

It was their one year anniversary yesterday (9/18/12) and they were celebrating all weekend; at Washington Square Park, Union Square, etc. You can guess where I was Sunday and Monday. Honestly, they're not really protesting anymore. Some of them are, but them are but the vast majority are just there cause they're a community. They're all friends and they don't wanna leave their friends and newly found family.
It's a family. That's why they're there. They are a family.
Never have I felt such a feeling of community and happiness and peacefulness and belonging. How can these guys be so bad if I felt at home with them? They make you feel welcomed. They all live off one another and they share and love. This is probably how the hippies felt!
You do not know peace until you sit with a group of people for hours and listen to live music and just talk and hug and nap and feel completely comfortable. Even though you are in the heart of the "toughest" city in the world, you feel safe and comfortable.
You can go up to a complete stranger and have a conversation and hold their hand and hug them and nothing would be weird. You can do arts and crafts and hug a stranger etc. And even if you suck, you can sing a song! And everyone will join you! You can be 300lbs or 80lbs, guy or girl, kid or old man, parent or child, black or white, gay or straight, anything! They don't care. No one cares. To them, you are beautiful and everyone is beautiful except those who steal and are greedy and mean and selfish. They're fighting for equality between the classes. We fought for the minorities, we fought for women, we're fighting for homosexuals, but no one thought to fight for the poor, the average, and against the rich. So now they're fighting.
Honestly, life was wonderful there. It was perfect and happy and powerful. I never wanted to leave.

Although I love going to New York, I have a curse that's also a blessing. All my friends are the "unusual", "dark", "broken", "hurt", "cold", "struggling", and "damaged". I have no "normal" or "average" friends. They've all been through things that have made them suffer or they're suffering/struggling now. I have always helped and tried my hardest to make them happy. I'm always drawn to these people. I'm not sure why or how, but I ALWAYS end up to be friends with those who different.
I love them. Almost too easily.
I can fall in love with people from just looking at them. And if they get hurt or leave, I cry. If I start caring for someone, I never stop. Ever. People think that's weird, but I'm sobbing right now.
I have homeless friends in New York and it is raining and I cannot talk to them. I cannot know if they're okay. I don't know if they need me or something/anything else. I'm so worried and stressed and scared and my stomach is in a knot cause I want them to be okay. I know I can't do anything to stop it, but I want too. I want to take them home with me and have them stay with me. All of them. Anthony, Elijah, Kyle, Nickels, Conn, Garth, Kid, etc. I'm so scared and I feel so guilty and useless..
I love that I become friends with those who need friends and need help and are hurting. But I hate it. Cause the constant worry and fear. Especially my homeless friends. I know it's not normal to have homeless friends but I don't care! I connect to people on different levels than others.
But honestly, I would gladly take this pain over not having them around. I would rather cry every night than having not ever spoken to them.
I just want them safe.. I need to be safe.
Honestly, I love them. I do. Not in the relationship way, but in the person way. They're a person and I love them.

I just..love them. I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

I have been doing embroidery lately and it's been helping me get through these tough times. I've been trying to deal with family, friend, and relationship issues and I'm just grateful for the friends I have. Even if they might be pretending to be my friend, they're still wonderful.
Embroidery helps and I would love/appreciate feedback on my works because it does help me so much. I love feedback and I would love to know about my new hobby. Is it good? Cute? Bad?

Thank you everyone who's been helping me with everything. I appreciate it.

Idk why I would share this with you people, but I will! Cuz I made a short playist that is so amazing and well fitted even though it'd very different and goes into all types of music.

-Not Your Fault -Awolnation
-I Predict a Riot -Kaiser Chiefs
-Deny It All -The Dear Hunter
-Fireflies of Montreal -Laurena Segura
-Sex on ifre -Kings of Leon
-Moneygrabber -Fitz and the Tantrums
-Breaking the Chains of Love -Fitz and the Tantrums
-Killer Queen -Queen
-Hump de Bump -Red Hot Chili Peppers
-Innocent -Our Lady Peace
-White Nights -Oh Land
-Stereo -Iamdynamite
-Little Soldier -Dr.Noise
-Adventures of Raindance Maggie -Red Hot Chili Peppers
-All the Same Things -Blink 182
-Sleepy Head -Passion Pit
-Layla -Eric Clapton
-Don't Know Why -Norah Jones

Made my dog a stocking for Christmas and he got a stuffless toy (good cuz he eats the cotton stuffing usually n gets sick) and just treats and he went ape shit xD
Got a new gutiar for Christmas :3 Just like my old guitar teacher's. I miss him. Sad but I still cry over him. Really sad actually..
So many people come and go and it sucks..

Am I fucking hipster yet?? xD hahah
MERRY XMAS PEOPLE

I need to do this. I'm taking a hold of my depression and I'm ranting. It was gonna be for tumblr but I think it's too long.
Listen to what I'm saying. I'm getting help. Just listen and talk to me. Noone else. Can I trust you guys? Hopefully.
DON'T MAKE ME NOT TRUST YOU PEOPLE. I NEED TO TRUST. Don't break it.

DISCLAIMER: NO I'M NOT GONNA KILL MYSELF. NO IM NOT GONNA SELFHARM OR DO ANYTHING BAD. THIS IS MY STEP TOWARDS HELPING MY DEPRESSION. OK? DON'T MENTION IT TO PEOPLE EVER. Please.

This is my mind. This is the biggest step I'm ever taking. Ooh god..don't make me regret it.....

If anyone wants to give me you're two-cents: NOTE ME. Don't comment.

Please don't break my trust. This is my recovery. By breaking my trust, you'll throw me back into it. Please. Just listen. And if possible, tell me it'll get better. Please. Thank you.

Here:
Everybody seems to be doing these tumblr rants. And I don't truely understand them but apparently you write them when you're angry, upset, moody, or depressed.

I'd like to try it. I just killed a bug with my mom's iPad. Yeap. Damn silverfish. :/

It sucks, you know. When people claim you can get any guy and you admit, you have had a few boyfriends. But they don't understand that you're used by each one of them. And that most of them are just friends. And if you have feelings for them, they don't have it back. I'm friends with lots of guys, yes. Alot are new because, over summer, I had noone. So I made friends with people. Not girls. They're untrustworthy, all of them.

People say we're too young for love. But if you never knew love, you don't know what love is. So the closest you can get to it is what you feel. Imagine you feel it. Imagine it's the closest you could get to love cuz you have NEVER felt it before. Not from friends, parents, relatives, people, anyone. That feeling. Imagine it leaving, just like everyting else. Imagine it leaves you. And that hole in you. Imagine pretending to be happy and yet you can't stop thinking of that amazing feelings and how now it's gone. And all you want, is for that feelings/person who gave it to you to come back. Imagine they do. Only to tell you what you're always known.

The closest thing to love has told you want you've always heard and always believed. That you are nothing but a worthless shit. A fat, ugly shit. Imagine never being told you're beautiful/pretty/cute/anything good. It's not just what people say, it's what they dont' say. Can you imagine that feeling? It's the type of feelings that makes you want to jump from the tallest building. It's the worst feelings in the world. How do you get back up from that?

It'd be halfway do-able to get back from that if you have people to help you. If once in a while you're told you're beautiful/amazing/pretty/cute/lovable/anything nice. Then it'd be hard but you'd have help. Imagine no help. Imagine nothing but negative. Imagine trying and trying and being brought down every time. Imagine that. Imagine that. For once imagine that!! Imagine that every damn day of your life!!

For th last 6 weeks I haven't been myself. People see me being overly exicted, laughing alot, making jokes, not having regrets, not worrying bout anything, not caring, having fun. It's a cover.

I refuse to let people see me upset. I cry almost everynight. But then I catch myself. I cry maybe one of 2 tears. No more. And when I need someone there to listen, guess who's there. Noone. I'm told to shut up. I'm told that it's 'not a real reason to be depressed' and to 'stop whining, people/me/this person have it worse then u.' That's even if I get the chance to mention even the tiniest thing that makes me upset! Most time, noone even let's me get a word in. Cuz they're lives are sooooo much harder. They obviously can't listen to me, they're friend is causing drama/they're parents are fighting(for once)/they're busy.

Imagine having NOONE. Even you're 'best friends' don't want to hear it. Cuz they're lives are 'worse'. Ok, if I had the issues that most of my friends had, my life would be easy as hell. I don't throw myself at ppl wit horrible things that happen. I starty with the smallest of my issues, usually something they might know of. But noones gonna listen. Imagine having to hold people and never being held. Imagine crying by yourself. Imagine texting peopel cuz ur on the verge of losing it, and not one writes back. Not a single one. Imaging having to pretend to be happy just to get people to talk to you. And if you even look slightly depressed, everyong (I mean, EVERYONE) avoids you.

And when they attempt too..the guilt kills me. The burden of me telling my feelings is the worse feelings imaginable. I can't do it. I thank them and leave. I can't even let myself tell people anything. Some people do try to listen. Either they're being kind for the moment or they're bored and want dirt on me to tell they're friends as laughable matterial, idk. Imagine when you do mention something, they begin talking bout themselves and how they have it harder and then become suddently 'busy'.

But imagine not only being stuck, but making urself stuck for the pain you feel when you open up. I don't need advice, I need and ear to listen and tell me it's gonna be ok.

I tell people my life motto. 'Everything gets better in the end. If it's not better, it's not the end.' And I make sure I'm their shoulder to cry on. And if they need it, I'll be a silent shoulder who just listens and tells them it'll get better.

I've wiped more people's eyes in my life than I have for myself. Only once I can remember having my tears wiped and it was cause it was in public and they wanted me to stop crying.

Noone is there to wipe mine. Only myself.

I escape reality by reading. But what happens when they're reality is too similar to mine? I can't handle it. I cry. I cried in class cuz in one book the girl went through what I did. She was suffering like I did. She was trapped. She had 'real problems'.

If I post this..it'll be the biggest thing I've ever done to move towards helping my depression. But can I trust people not to report me? Not to tell my parents? Not to confront me and critize me and say I'm pathetic? Can I trust people to just inbox me and listen?

Probably not. Maybe I'll post it eventually. Maybe.


DONE. THANK YOU.